On this day five years ago I flew with Joe to New York. For his 30th birthday I took him to NY, bought tickets for a Yankees game, and bought tickets to see Eric Clapton at Madison Square Gardens. When I had planned the trip I would have never thought that as I touched down in NY my mom would breath her last breath of life.
As soon as we were off the plane I opened my phone to call Lara. She told me the news and I didn’t know what to feel. I was sad that I wasn’t there, but glad to have the distraction of NY. My mom said at the beginning of the home hospice business that no matter what happened she wanted me to carry on with the trip to NY. I promised her that I would. The truth of it is…we all thought she would have died long before the trip. At the beginning of June the doctor gave her an estimated 2-6 weeks…if I remember correctly? All that long summer we watched as she slowly drifted away from us and into a confused and mumbeling morphine induced existence. She would reach for things that weren’t there. She would call and talk to people on her imaginary hand phone. Ulitmatly we had to have someone in the room with her at all times after she took a small tumble down some stairs! Over 3 months of hanging around in her room watching and waiting for her to die. It was awful. At a certain point you just want it to end. You want the suffering to stop. But it just kept going…until the night I got to NY. I have a certain amount of guilt that I was not there with the rest of the family when it happened. I never had to see her in her final state. I know my family understands and they know that it’s what my mom wanted…but I feel horrible that I wasn’t there to help support. No matter how ready or prepared you are for someone’s death…the finality of it is still so hard to deal with. As I mentioned in a previous post, the hardest thing to think about is that I don’t get to see her interact with her beautiful little granddaughter Emily. She would have loved and fussed over her so much and every time I think about it I cry.
Mom…we miss you very much. Here’s a few songs she loved…and I hope she is dancing to them somewhere and watching over us…
The Hollies - Jennifer Eccles - video
Lulu - To Sir With Love [HD]
Come Dancing - The Kinks
FREUR Doot Doot 12 inch HQ
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air - Original Theme - Opening
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