Monday, January 24, 2011

FUPA Flops and Friends on Skates (each not having anything to do with the other)

Friday night was yet another Disney night.  We got there later in the evening so by the time we had parked, strolled, entered California Adventure, devoured our bread bowls and possibly one of the most delicious cookies I have ever eaten in my life, it was time for World of Color (a.k.a. Color-ific!!!) so all of the boardwalk rides were already shut down.  We made our way over to Tower of Terror (a.k.a. Vagina Tingle) and realized that everyone who wasn’t watching World of Color was in line for the best tingle in town…55 minute wait! No thanks!  We entered into the Bugs Land and went on the Lady Bug (kinda like the teacups) ride instead and all were worse off for it…but not as bad as the lady we were about to see eat shit about 45 seconds from exiting the ride!  Going on that ride was all about to be worth it.  As we were making our way out of the land in order to leave California Adventure for Disneyland one of the best things we have seen in 2011 happened!  All of a sudden…out of nowhere…a rather large female “Cast Member” spastically tripped all over herself only to fall hard to the floor and bounce and skid to a stop about 20 yards away!!  Mikaila was holding Emily and just kept walking because containing her laughter was not an option.  I started to laugh but saw Sandra trying to be concerned so I didn’t want to feel like an asshole too… so I evened my grin out to a small smirk and went for help.  The only person I could find nearby was a trash guy.  I ran over to him to let him know that the lady had fallen and he just kind of looked at me.  His look said “uhhh…DERRR” and I could see that I wasn’t going to get much help from him.  If it were a spilled drink or a small piece of litter on the ground…he would have been my man…but a woman (especially of her magnitude) was going to need someone with a higher rank.  He said he would go for help but just sort of stood around like everyone else…staring at the mess of woman on the floor.  Some other lady came and seemed to want to take charge of the situation…so we all just looked at each other and decided to walk away so that we could laugh about the scene that had just occurred.  I think Mikaila was crying she was laughing so hard.  I was just mad that I had been jipped of my true pleasure of the situation because I felt I needed to help her?  She didn’t even answer us.  She just laid there not saying anything.  For a moment I thought she might have died but she was just causing a scene.  When she finally faced the crowd all she could say was “I just fell and hit my knee really hard.”  What??  Unless you are choking or having a seizure then fucking answer people that are trying to help you!!  I don’t even know how she could even hit her knee with her FUPA in the way…but whatever!  She made and ass out of herself and a good laugh was had by all at her expense!  We dubbed the night FUPA Flop Friday 2011!  BAM!!!

Saturday was the celebration of my 30th birthday.  We had lunch with the family and then ran around for the rest of the afternoon in preparation for the night ahead.  Daisy Dukes…check.  Afro…check.  Roller skates…check….oh wait…uncheck…got them home and realized that one was a size 8 and one was a size 9!!  I had to go back to Sports Chalet to change them for 2 size 8 skates! So annoying…but I got a  handful of change back because the tax is less in OC than LA County!  BAM!!  We all gathered at our house for some cocktails and when everyone had arrived we headed out in the limo for World on Wheels in LA!  A couple people had to ride bitch on the floor (Limo for 20 my ass!! Or maybe not my ass…maybe 20 midget asses…but no way was there room for 20 on the seats!!), and we had to stop to pee (well…the boys got to pee in a Taco Bell parking lot while the girls had to get  back in the limo to wait for our destination…which happened to be just around the corner)…but we were there before too long.  Bladders bursting at the seams we all ran into the bowling alley that is attached to the rink to unload.  After we relieved ourselves, the limo drove us to the other side of the parking lot to drop us outside of our destination.  The line wasn’t too long so we got in, everyone got their skates, and then we hit the floor…some harder than others!  I was fortunate to only have fallen once…I was coming off the wood onto the carpeted ramp and BAM! I had rugburn on my knee.  Not too traumatic though.  I don’t think that Kelly was able to stay on his skated feet for more than one second together.  Lara didn’t do much better…she had to ice her knee at the snack bar for all her falling!  Joel, on the other hand, and his super talent for quad skates were revealed!  He was doing all kinds of moves and little jumps!  He assured me that he hadn’t skated in 5 years…but I think he goes in secret every week and that he is training for the quad skate version of Blades of Glory!  Jamie was pretty groovy on her wheels as well…the rest of us just sort of hold our own I think…it was so much fun though and I can’t wait to go again!  There was also a bar upstairs where the people that had given up on the skate dream and decided instead to try their hand at singing.  Unfortunately I could no longer even speak at the time…let alone sing (my voice was completely shot from screaming on Space Mountain the night before…laughing at the FUPA…and screaming the lyrics to ABBA songs in the limo on the way there)…so Mary, Holly, Jody, and Kate were able to steal the show where their show stopping rendition of “None of Yo’ Business” by Salt n Peppa!
 BAM!  It was pretty spectacular!  The bar was a sweatbox so after their song Jamie and I made our way back down to the rink for some more skating. In doing this I missed out on some gay pulling his penis out on Kelly…but I think I’m ok with that!  Anyway…the fact that I missed out on that ball action was made up for in the limo conversation on the way home about how Kelly apparently has hairy wooly mammoth balls…but only on the top!  Haha!  Anyway it was a fab night and thank you so much to Joe, Lara, Luis, Kelly, Joel, Jamie, Kate, Nick, Jody, Marc, Holly, Mary, Chris, Roc, Rene, Celia, Nico, Sandra and Ernesto for making the celebration of my 30th birthday an awesome one!  I love all you guys!  Let’s do it again next month! 

Hey Kelly…is this a little better for you?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

the snot heard 'round the world

I'm so sick of the SNOT!!!  It just won't stop!  Where does it keep coming from?  My nose is bloody and so raw!  MAKE IT STOP!!!!

So I have been sick for well over a week now.  I think the last time I was knocked off my ass so hard with sickness was the time I had pnemonia when I was 18...and Friday I turned 30!!! did that happen?!?!  One minute I'm coming down from Extacy driving to San Francisco with pnemonia and then *BAM!!!!!* I'm thirty and there ain't shit I can do about it!!  Or can I?? 

Yes I CAN!!!  This Saturday night we shall celebrate my turning old by going to a roller disco baby!  I'm pretty excited about it.  20 people in a limo to L.A. for a roller disco in an AFRO!  I can't wait!  Hopefully by then I am able to taste something other than the excess snot that doesn't make it in the tissue but travels instead down my throat for me to swallow until it comes back up with the coughing.  Oh the joy of it all!

That's all for now...just wanted to assure everyone that I have just managed to survive turning 30 and tell the tale. 

Happy Birthday David Lynch...Thank you for Blue Velvet!!!  Do you know what a love letter is FUCKER?

Monday, January 10, 2011

I am my own laugh track

On Friday it was brought to my attention that I laugh heartily (or cackle heartily some might say) at my own jokes.  “I love how you laugh at your own jokes,” is the exact statement I think.  I thought about it and yea, I suppose it’s true.  I was thinking about it and was trying to decide if it was because I think I’m really that funny, or if I think that if I laugh it will cause a chain reaction of laughter that nobody can resist.  I came to the conclusion that both things are true.  I really am that funny.  Haha! (see…you can’t help but laugh along with me, can you?)  AND…I suppose it’s a defense mechanism.  I enjoy a nice little boost in self worth every time I am able to make people laugh…much like every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings…I enjoy the pleasure of placing another brick in the wall to ward off the self loathing demons that so badly want to eat my soul!  Fuck you demons!  I’ll laugh you right back to hell…where I’m sure I will join you when I have perished. Haha! (see…there I go again…not my funniest I’ll admit…but give me a break…it’s Monday morning!!)

So…The weekend was most eventful.  Friday night party was good times!  Didn’t get home until after 2am and didn’t even realize where the time had gone.  Thanks to Ms. M for having a birthday and thanks to Mr. & Mrs. K for hosting the event.  Saturday I bummed around for the morning and then had to get ready to make my way down to San Diego for the Twins’ Birthday.  I went and picked my best good friend MKM and headed on down to San Diego…but not before stopping at the Carlsbad outlets so MKM could buy a much deserved COACH purse (jealous!).  We got downtown to the Gaslamp District and got settled in the hotel…got our drinky on and headed out for a fun evening of dancing and apparently some heavy head-banging because my neck is feeling really sore and stiff!!  I guess it happens when you mix too much alcohol with too much 80’s hair band cover music while partying it up in San Diego when you’re six days from turning 30! <sigh>  I was home exactly 24 hours from when I left the day before, took a shower and headed out to Disneyland for a few hours (just the Solis trio).  It was cold and it had been a long weekend so we headed back home and called it a weekend.  And just like that BAM!!!’s freakin’ Monday all over again!  Grr.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

January the 4th

January 4th 1960-Albert Camus died in a car crash at the tender age of 46.  Without him one of my favorite songs would never have been written: "Killing an Arab" by The thanks Albert...sorry you died at such a young age!

So....we didn't get around to talking about our finances last night (surprise!surprise!).  After picking up Emily, going home, heating up some dinner (I can't say "cooked dinner" since our stove has been out of commission for about 3 months now), and taking Evie (see I did stick to one of my goals for the night!) for an hour long walk, there was only time to watch about 45 minutes of Boogie Nights before passing out.  I have decided I am going to leave the finances till the weekend so that we have plenty of time to sort it out in an organized fashion (sorting the bills out in file folders and getting it into a file cabinet).  I fear, however, that the sorting out of these finances will only lead to the conclusion that I have no money whatsoever...let alone enough money to go to a roller disco in a party bus for my 30th birthday event.  Maybe if we get things on track for this year I can get that going for my 31st birthday party?  <sigh>  I guess we'll have to see where things stand after we do the inventory of outstanding bills..  On an up-note I have lots of other people's birthday events to look forward to this weekend.  Friday night drinks at a friend's  house for a different friend's birthday (not sure if people approve of me using names on here so I'll just leave it mysterious for now) and Saturday night dinner/drinks/dancing in San Diego for a certain set of twin girls I love! Good times!!! 

Before I sign off for the day I would just like to mention that if you ever get an email from me saying that I was mugged in London and I need money wired to me as quick as you can...please...wire the the money...only check with me first what the correct bank account is...there are some a-holes out there playin' tricks on you!  :)

Monday, January 3, 2011


i'm determined to make more of an adult out of myself this year.  i'm horrible at "taking care of business."  in years past i have lived in a careless daze thinking such things as "well if i just don't open these bills i won't have to pay them" or "if i just think happy thoughts maybe this yeast infection will go away on its own!"  obviously things such as these will only cause more serious troubles for me down the line.  i have decided that i need to make a list of all the things i can think of that i need to take care of this year in no particular order.  i know i won't be able to think of all the things i need to take care of since over the years the list has become too long to manage!  i will write things down as i go along (or in order of when i receive the collections notice) and slowly but surely i may just figure this thing out just in time for me to die!  tonight we start with trying to figure out our monthly expenses...a task in itself.  also i have vowed that i am going to walk evie (the beast dog) for AT LEAST an hour a day.  i might have to break it up sometimes...15 min in the morning/45 min in the evening or what you will, but this is something both she and i need!   well...that's going to be it for my first blog entry.  i would just like to caution that i don't do well with case you haven't noticed that berate me all you will with your grammatical attacks on me, but grammar is not why i'm here and if that's why you're here then you are probably in the wrong place...or the right place if you are looking for a "how not to write" sample for someone you might be trying to help with the learning of the english language.  as you may have noticed i don't like using capital letters and i use the "..." a lot between thoughts...that's my way of leading you to the next thought.  ok. that's all for now. happy 2011 to all of you following (which for now is NOBODY!)